learning how to be kind to myself, part 1

      I think one of the reasons why I’m being unkind to myself is that I’m a people-pleaser with a constant need to prove everyone wrong. Ever since I was little, I’ve always had this need to please the people around me, while trying to quell their wrong impressions or judgments. I’ve always longed for acceptance from people, which is why I’ve compromised so many things about myself just so I can belong or fit in to their ideal. At the same time, I’ve been exhausting myself just to prove other people wrong, even if it’s unnecessary. It’s as if I’m letting my insecurities and unnecessary anxieties grow on me, just so I can prove to people that they are wrong about me, even if I don’t need to. I’m just stopping myself from growing into my own person, and I should learn how to let my unnecessary anxieties and insecurities not get in the way of my goals in life. I have wasted so much time and energy entertaining negative thoughts and processing them and the only things that I want to do are just to move forward and achieve my dreams. 




   Recently, I haven’t been acting like my normal self. For the past few days, I’ve been stressing over an org application like it’s a matter of life and death while I have other priorities to think about. When it comes to applying for organizations or other opportunities in and out of school, I would usually be relaxed about it. I would usually just do my best in my requirements, and just hope for the best. However, if I really, really want something, the perfectionist, detail-obsessed side of myself comes out. This recent org application has brought this evil side of myself that I never really knew about. For the last week or so, I’ve been obsessing every detail of my application requirements just so it can be perfect. Although I’ve asked for help from my friends, I still have the need to redo every requirement just so it can be perfect. So far, this attitude of mine is preventing me from making any progress with this application, and I have to submit it in a couple of days. 

   I should stop overthinking and overanalyzing things. I should also control my emotions, if I want to be a better person and get shit done. I should stop whining. Period.