Loading/Unloading

If you’ve been reading my blog and have noticed the flurry of #hugot, personal posts, it’s because I’ve doing some emotional unloading over the past few weeks. For the longest time, I felt that I have been a prisoner of my past for too long and that I’ve been holding grudges that are unnecessary, and that I needed to address them in a way that I find best—by writing.

Case in point, there are times where I still feel like I have to avenge myself from the people who bullied me before. Most of the time, I feel like with everything that I do, I have to prove everyone wrong. Also, there are times where I dwell too much on painful childhood experiences, and use it as an excuse to sabotage my chance at happiness. I realized that these things are wrong and that I shouldn’t be cynical about my own future. Also, I have to remind myself that everything that I’ve done/I’ve been doing/I’m about to do is for my own growth, and not for the approval of anybody else.

From this point on, I am going to move forward and start healing. I am going to believe in myself more, and I will dedicate everything that I do to the pursuit of personal growth. I guess this unloading process is just what I need, so that I can finally heal and move forward from the past.

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Notes on Personal Growth #2

When I was in kinder, I was diagnosed with ADHD. I was a rowdy kid that could not get along with her classmates and teachers. To be honest, the diagnosis shook me to my core, and it drove this compulsive need in me to please the people around me because my ADHD drove me away from other people. I was called weird, disgusting, friendless, and a loser many times. Fifteen years after the diagnosis, I am now done with school, and I have done so much in my life that the troublemaking, friendless kid that I once was is now reduced to a vague, incomprehensible memory. Whenever I tell people that I was diagnosed with ADHD as a kid, they would get shocked because people do not see me that way now. They see me as an enthusiastic, opinionated, bright, warm and friendly person who is capable of doing great things in her life.

Even though I have achieved and grown so much after the diagnosis, there are times that I still feel like the five-year-old, newly diagnosed kid is very much alive in me. She reminds me that I will never succeed, and that all my achievements are just gate passes for public approval and acceptance. I have to be strong and not let that five-year-old take over my thoughts and feelings whenever things go sour. While it is okay to cry and be frustrated when things do not go my way, I should also focus on how to move forward, and tell myself that things will get better. I should not let my ADHD get in the way of living the best life I could possibly live, even if it can be difficult at times. I know that I have a bright future ahead of me and that my ADHD should not define who I am as a person because it is just a part of who I really am. Instead of treating my ADHD as a weakness that continues to damper me and prevent me from living a full life, I am going to start treating it instead as something that motivates me to become a better person.

But homie may you change, may you change for the better (learning how to be kind to myself #2)

When I was in high school, I made a very silly mistake of posting a seemingly offensive post on Multiply. Shortly after posting it, a bunch of people from my high school went ballistic.  After that, I was reminded by one of my former high school clubmates to “behave.” Ever since that reminder (and incident), I started doubting myself and the skills that I have. I grew to be sensitive (and defensive) about constructive criticism, and I thought of myself as a horrible writer. I felt that I would never write again, and I would never be good enough for anything. This negative perception affected my work ethic in high school, and I grew averse towards writing. In addition, I became very unkind to myself.

Six years after that incident, I still find myself thinking about it from time to time.  Even though I’ve made efforts to move past it, there’s a part of me that still remains scared. During the six years that had passed since that incident, I went through (and still going through) an uphill battle to become a better person. However, questions like, “What if they still think I am a shitty, incompetent person who can’t write and thrive creatively?” still pop in my head and keep me up at night. But looking back, six years is a long time to grow and change. Maybe the girls who went ballistic about my post have moved on and chalked up the experience to high school-level bitchiness, and here I am, still occasionally moping about it and using this experience to impede my own progress. Instead of seeing this incident as a traumatic experience, why not look at it as an opportunity for growth? Sometimes, I think having a change in perspective is important, especially during times of stuckness. I guess it is only recently that I realized that bringing a new perspective to an issue eases up the healing process. Now that I learned to see this issue from a more positive perspective, I guess it has been long overdue that I get over this little trauma of mine and move on from this incident from high school (because hello, you are practically done with school, and you seem to can’t move on from past hurts, get over it already!).

As I write this, I always have to remind myself that I am in a much better place now and that I am growing as a person, even if there are times that I feel stuck. If you are reading this, I want to tell you that things will get better, and that you can grow. Anyway, this is also a reminder that people should not be too hard on themselves, especially when they are hit by seemingly mindless criticisms by the people around them. Some people can just be total asshats, so don’t let them get in the way as much as possible. But conversely, do not be a dick when the people that genuinely care about you when they give constructive criticism. (The latter is something that I am trying to work on, by the way.)

some side notes:

I used a line from “Sideline Story,” which is one of my favorite songs of the moment as the title for this entry because it spoke to me on so many levels.

Girl In Dior: A sumptuous visual history of Christian Dior

At a first glance, Annie Goetzinger’s graphic novel Girl In Dior may be seen as a mere retelling of how the Christian Dior couture house and the New Look came to be. However, what makes this different from existing literature about the designer and his couture house is a delightful, almost cinematic narrative of a graphic novel that gives life beyond the facts that highlighted the beginnings of the Dior couture house to the powerhouse luxury brand that it is today.

The story of Girl in Dior follows Clara and her journey as the eponymous girl in Dior. Clara is a young fashion journalist assigned to cover the fashion show for Christian Dior’s inaugural couture collection in 1947. While on assignment, Clara suddenly finds herself right in the middle of Dior’s world.  She becomes a replacement model during one of his fashion shows and as the years went by, she eventually develops a deeper bond with Christian Dior and his atelier.  As the story progresses, the focus of the novel shifts to the history of Dior, and the designer’s influence on women’s fashion during the fifties and in the succeeding decades. This shift is inevitable, since the graphic novel is touted as a love letter to the fashion house.

On the other hand, the accompanying illustrations in Girl In Dior are reflective of the mood and spirit of the famed couture house during its beginnings and early success.  Meaning, the illustrations show the grandeur of the clothes released during Dior’s early collections. The dreamy, voluminous gowns, the jackets with nipped-in waists, and other pieces in the famed couturier’s early collections are shown in the illustrations in the graphic novel. Excluding the dialogue and the plot, the illustrations in Girl In Dior can be mistaken for early fashion illustrations from the Dior archive.

Overall, Girl In Dior is a graphic novel that exceeds the expectations of a biography of the famed couturier and his atelier. The graphic novel is deemed as a work of historical fiction that serves as a fitting homage to the rich history of Dior and its enduring influence on fashion today. Although there are certain implausible elements in the story, fashionphiles or first-time readers of graphic novels will enjoy Girl in Dior because it is heartfelt and delightful.