It’s been a while since I last wrote something here. While my last entry was an unpacking of sorts, this entry is more of a life update (as obviously seen in the title), where I talk about things.
It’s already my fourth month of funemployment, which also means that I have been working towards my dream for four months already. I have mentioned it in a couple of blog entries before that I have always seen myself as a writer, and that I wanted to make this year as the year where I pursue this dream at a certain capacity.
Well, several months after, the dream somewhat came true. My Philihappy gig is pretty great, and it is a great opportunity for writing short-form content that’s relevant for many people. However, I still have a longing to take this dream further. I want to write for my favorite publications, interview certain personalities, and take on more in-depth writing assignments in the near future. Despite these improvements, I still get plagued by a lot of self-doubt and periods of little to no motivation. On certain periods, I still think that my writing is crappy, because I am still at a level where my writing can be immediately dismissed as vapid. I might be overthinking this, but it’s what I feel about my level of work at the moment. Recently, I had a conversation with my writing mentor about this matter, and she told me that the real purpose of writing is to express oneself. Her words made me feel that it’s perfectly okay for me to write whatever I feel or I am interested in, just as long as I am responsible for my own opinions on things. On a more pleasant note, I have another writing gig on my plate right now, and it’s related to my interests. The new set-up now would require me to scale back on my number of contributions for Philihappy, but I will do my best to make these gigs work.
The world is in so much disarray over these past few months, and I can’t help but feel fearful and angry at the same time. I’m angry, because lives are taken away and the changes that have been happening are not really good. At the same time, I’m fearful for myself and my loved ones because there’s this trend happening in the country where almost everyone can get arrested and things can go south from there. All I am hoping is that things will get better soon, and that extrajudicial killings in the Philippines will be stopped.
Life (And Growth)
Recently, I listened to an episode of Ladies Who Lunch, which is a podcast created by YouTubers Ingrid Nilsen and Cat Valdes. This episode, called “Unpacking Personal Identities,” talked about how our personal identities are always evolving (like Pokemons), and the struggles that come with developing our personal identities. The episode was eye-opening, in a sense that the advice presented on the show has been helping me discover who I am on a deeper level, and how my identity has changed over the years. One of the biggest breakthroughs that I had with my identity is that I can go beyond the “weird and annoying” girl that people from high school knew me to be. I realized that it’s perfectly okay for me to expand my circle of friends, bask in various interests, stand up for myself without the fear of judgment from other people, and go after what I truly want in my life.
Back then, I used to be so afraid of what people would think of me. Years of bullying have compelled me to be a people-pleaser, to the extent that I had to mold myself and attempt to fit into the expectations of other people and prove them wrong that I can be like the person that they expect me to be. This made me feel empty because my values and my core being have been compromised, all for the sake of external validation and approval. Now, I realized that I will never be able to please everyone. The best move to go for is just to be myself– rediscover my values and passions, and go after my best chances.