1:09 (Stream of Consciousness #2)

It’s currently 1:09 am, and I am still not asleep. I have a lunch tomorrow with Jow, plus I have to continue some writing for work. Speaking of writing, my other writing gig hasn’t given me any assignments yet, so I have a whole month to focus on Philihappy assignments. I am also looking into other opportunities for writing, in case that secret writing gig won’t pan out. Right now, I am just trying to gain as much experience as possible, so I can build a proper portfolio in the future for job applications. I really need to stop ruminating about this. Just apply for those gigs, Lea. Stop being overly self-conscious!

On the topic of being overly self-critical, I think I developed that trait after years of feeling inferior to other people. For most of my grade school and high school life, I have been constantly compared to one of my close friends. I guess it’s because our parents are close friends also, and that my father felt that I had these deficiencies that needed to be compensated by being exemplary in certain areas. As a result, I guess this experience made me feel like I needed to compete with everyone— to the extent that it’s holding me back from making true friends along the way. I guess my father wanted me to imbibe this work ethic that he has developed growing up, and while it is admirable, I am aware of certain variables that will prevent me from being like him. I can work smart in my own way, and I can make my own mark. I guess the reason why I looked for jobs and internships without his intervention is because I wanted to prove to him that I can do it, and that I can stick with what I know and love. I am still somewhat bummed though, that I didn’t spend the first few months after graduating from college attending writing workshops, blogging consistently, or doing an internship related to media. Yes, the management classes were helpful and they gave me some credibility, but I can’t discount the fact that it felt forced. I may have said way too much, and while my dad has played a huge role in harboring these bad thoughts and feelings, I still have the capacity to break free from it. I have accepted that my friends are better than me in certain areas, and I have also accepted that I am better than them in others. That’s how life works, and life shouldn’t be a competition.

As I write this entry, I am also in the process of creating a mashup of Hip-Hop Abs videos so I can create a workout that I can follow four times a week. I have been on a wellness kick lately, but my eating habits are almost the same. I just eat more vegetables now, and I haven’t been eating as much rice. I also have an abundant supply of chicken breast fillets in the fridge, which is more than enough to create homemade chicken nuggets for inumans with friends. Speaking of cooking, I have yet to figure out how to operate the oven so I can bake and make more magic in the kitchen while I have the time. I also have a couple of plans for my 500 Words challenge, and that involves the use of my digital camera. I also have plans on restructuring my finances, so I would  stop buying makeup almost every month. So many plans, so many thoughts. I have to jot these down in a notebook.




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