Around late last year, my friend Roxy and I were discussing about our struggles at our old workplace. I shared to her my struggles with adjusting to various situations and environments, and the coping processes I use to deal with this struggle. As much as I want to assert who I am and the space that I want to occupy, not a lot of people will understand and appreciate who I am as a person. Most of the time, in order to appease many people (and do well), I have to conform to their ways, to the extent that I lose myself and feel negatively towards myself. I want to embrace the fact that I am kind, hardworking, and capable (as it is), but the voices around me say that I have to do x and y for them to prove that I am the things aforementioned. In addition, there’s always that nagging thought that I always have to prove others wrong whenever I take on something, be it a hobby or a work opportunity. Can I just learn and master that hobby or work opportunity out of genuine desire? Out of a genuine desire to grow and not just comply out of a need to achieve a career-related KPI? I honestly think that these lines blur a lot. There are times where I feel like I’m gaining skills not for my personal improvement, but to prove to institutions and other people that, “HEY! I’m capable! I’m good!” Or, “You said that I deserved to get fired? Well, my work says otherwise.” It’s frustrating, and it adds up to a lot of the anxieties that I feel.
I guess I’m just being hard on myself. I need to be kind to myself more, especially during stressful times. My job does not define who I am.
hello, yeorobuns 